Only You
by nemurii
Summary: Romano was bitter after Antonio left him- but he'd never let Antonio disappear from his mind. Maybe he was dieing, maybe he was finally living- the blood just proof of his rebirth- but Romano would continue to wish that he could stay with him forever.


**Only You**

Those vessels- their hearts- encased each dieing memory deep within. Their hearts were swollen, and every thought was thrown away and forgotten as the taller one kept the other in a crushing and sloppy embrace. What stayed afloat was the solidarity of the two, but beneath the glimmering pretenses of love was the grimy hate that had been permeating into their perfect world.

This hate gripped them and possessed them devilishly, but they sank deeper into eachother regardless if it was love or hate. Hot and heavy was their kisses, as they shut their eyes tight to the blinding sun that finally decided to go away.

The sky was a purple bruise, on beautiful blue skin that stretched and ceased to end. The sun was it's faded scab, and each cloud another scar. The waves crashed and retreated, visible from their rough spot on that cliff, holding them above everything else.

His breath mingled into the boy's mouth, the cold air that nipped at their every pore ignored.

"Romano-" The heavy whisper fell onto the younger boy's lips, parted and waiting.

"What is it?" Rich emotion was the only discernible factor in his voice- that voice, it filled his heart. He wanted to own it, to capture it and call it his own, before setting it free someday so it could bless the rest of the world like it had blessed him. Yet he felt his eyes stare past him, without emotion or thought.

"How many more years do you want to live for?" The question that escaped Antonio's mouth held the bitter taste of hope, and it stayed in the air, waiting.

"Forever, of course." Romano glared at the sky for a quick second. He sensed with every part of his being that things were going to go from chaotic to deathly by the end of their night. The sun tasted flavorless, and instead it blinded their bleeding hearts, as it continued to depart from the sky.

"C'mon, really. Aren't you scared? Don't you think time runs rather slowly?"

Antonio let his eyes close, his head on the boy's stomach, the two watching the sun leave. Romano wondered how Antonio could be so perfect, without trying. He sighed- the anger, the jealousy, replaced his burning for Antonio.

"For us, time will never even begin. We are given so much of it, and all we do is fight. Besides that, what is wrong with you tonight, Antonio?"

His tone came out rather accusatory, instead of the gentle softness Antonio somehow spoke with no matter what the circumstances were. He wanted to be there for him, and yet he wasn't there himself. He absentmindedly touched his soft brown locks. The tenderness slipped from his tongue, rolling perfectly without hesitation. Antonio was perfection, at least to Romano.

If it was nothing he could say, it was something he could do. Antonio's eyes held more knowledge, more knowledge of their incapabilities. Antonio hastily sat up, his hair tousled. He lent himself to Romano, who gripped him hard. He crushed Antonio's confusion with a kiss. Romano didn't want to see his face anymore.

He opened his eyes to see someone else, standing a few feet from his spot on the dirt, above the ocean and sand. He let go of the air in front of him, his fingers trying to remember his touch.

Gripping the lapels of his brother's jacket, he asked him where Antonio went. The sky had become black, almost in an instant. He felt himself try to rid the world of it's lies, but instead he had been lieing to himself the whole time.

"Why do you set yourself up to feel this way, fratello?" An innocent voice piqued his interest. Romano realized that Antonio has been gone for quite a long time.

"The fuck do you know?" Romano angrily stood at the edge of his universe, the ionian sea staring into him as well.

"You are crying- please don't cry, or I will too." Romano had felt thin arms wrap around his chest, trying to comfort him. He coughed suddenly, blood in his palms. He shut his eyes tight, only wishing it was the sun that was watching over him once again.

The sun would never come. He thought this as he coughed again. Every night was another night in sin when he wished for Antonio to be next to him. He brushed his tears, the unwelcoming feeling of pain as he fell.

He is the southern wind. He bellowed for, and beseeches for, accompaniment. He was so lonely he could die. His heart was loud in his ears- his hands dragged him to the bottom of the earth, but was he even moving? Was this another part of his imagination?

"Brother spain would not want to see you so sad over him-" Feliciano began as he tried to pull his brother by his hand.

"What do you know? You fucking bastard! I'm tired of people trying to tell me to move on, to be happy. I've already accepted that he is part of me, and I am of him. What is it that no one understands?" Romano growled, tears begging to spill. He was eager to end this whole thing, but actually, he was most uncertain of what he wanted.

"Seems you and I both share a love going nowhere." Romano stared at him, soft surprise on his face, before he felt his tears grow, not just for him, but for Feliciano.

Feliciano extended his hand, the smile on his face promising nothing but childish regrets. Romano remembered that he wanted to forget, but he wasn't sure if he could. He took Feliciano's hand anyways, the physical thickness settling in his heart.

"Someday you'll be with big brother spain again. He's just waiting for you. And someday, Holy Rome will come back to me, I just know it!" Feliciano's voice cracked, but his smile held more pain then Romano could bare to see.

"Just shut up." Romano wrapped his arms around his brother before the two broke into quiet sobs. Crying to no one in particular, the two let their feelings roam without a destination. Romano let his tears roll quietly, but Feliciano began to make a noise as if he couldn't breathe, couldn't live- their grip loosened once they felt they were finally broken completely.

Red eyes, burning cheeks, and frozen lips.  
>(These cycles <em>always<em> repeat.)

"What if he doesn't want me anymore? He has more useful people. Even you-" Romano bitterly rambled, sinking into the sandy brown earth beneath his toes.

"Are you kidding? He loves you more than Spain itself, He loves you so much-"

"Holy Rome loves you too. He was the first one to love anyone, I think. Before you and I even-"

"One time he told me that he'd make sure to stay up until you slept, and he'd always check on you because he was so scared you'd run away-"

"Holy Rome used to hide your things in his room until you begged him to help you look for it so-"

"He said he always prayed for you two to stay together forever, because-"

"Holy rome cried for you too, when he went away, because-"

"He loves you." The two had fallen in a deep, entrenched silence of longing. Portals had opened, and they wanted to enter, they wanted to disengage themselves from the real world and go back to earlier times, hundreds of years earlier.

Romano still felt in his heart it wouldn't work out, at all. Silky eyes fell short of seeing the stars as blood trickled into the hands that covered his own mouth. His heart pulsed radically, almost as if it wanted to reject the idea that this is it, this is the end.

Felliciano watched him, as he began to loose his mind. His brother was shaking, the ground beneath him began to shake too, as it seemed to Feliciano. Feliciano began to cry, scream, his eyes unsure where to look first. His brother had drawn a bloody masterpiece on the ground. He had his hands in his lap, his fear in his mouth, and horror in his eyes.

"I love you so much, so much fratello. Remember when we you were with Spain? He told me the day that he learned you were coming to us, that he couldn't be happier for me, but it wasn't the truth. Remember when he told you that he would let you grow up because he was the one holding you back? That wasn't true. You mean something to him! Don't die, you can't leave me too. Don't leave me."

Feliciano held his brother, faintly, in his hands. He felt so obsolete, useless- jealous suddenly. The only thing that stirred a reaction was speaking about Antonio- he was so worried though, he felt himself splintering inside and growing darker with each passing second.

Feliciano felt a strong wind, and he knew it was his brother's. They always laughed, claiming Italy as their own. And truly, it is their own. It is them. And yet he couldn't let his brother _become_ Italy. He kissed his forehead, before fainting himself.

* * *

><p>Romano kept his eyes fixed on the sun outside. He doesn't know how long its been, but probably a week. He feels like the world is going slow around him, but after this, everything is more beautiful. As people walk in and out, he takes notice of things more. He wonders why the numbers decrease over time. He begins to wonder why he can't move his arms, or his legs. He wonders why he hasn't found what he's wanted.<p>

He isn't miserable- he's stuck. His eyes are his world now. His soul has already left him, peregrinating the universe while he keeps still in this hospital bed.

He finally speaks, on a cloudy day. The sun is hiding, even it scared of him. His large hazel eyes never leave it, and at night he cries, fear of the silent burden that has attached itself to his detached mind.

It is friday when he finds himself at the roof of the building. His limbs are ready to collapse on themselves, his face devoid of comprehension, of understanding- of living. All he wants is to be one with the sun. He wants to be rid of everything. Italy can manage with Feliciano. The world will move on without this one person, he thinks- he believes.

Romano begins to recount his life, to himself. He speaks to that beautiful southern wind, to the leaves that shudder and die, to the sun that denies him. He fascinates himself- how ridiculous is it to speak to yourself when you're simply falling in love with the universe you wish to leave?

Romano spent all his life dwelling in his inadequacy. But now he isn't sure, as he lay softly on this ground, so many feet above the other miserable people walking in the streets.

Romano tells the invisible stars how he let his hate become love. He told them that he was afraid, unsure, disturbed, inexplicable.

"Why do I keep thinking about suicide when I know I could never, that I would never be able to? And why is it that every time I even look at anything, that I have to think of all those who left me. Antonio didn't want me, would never want me. It's time to let go, right?"

Romano opened his eyes, to see green eyes filled with sorrow watching him. Romano pushed him away, a mere mirage, like usual. He felt the shadow lay next to him, the warmth of his tan arms pressing against his own. Romano's vision blurred, but he just listened to their breathing and shut his eyes tight.

"And why is it that everything I want is unattainable? Why do the gods toy with me? I have fucking emotions too. I guess it isn't anyone's priority. It isn't even my own. As much as I try to hide it, I'd rather kill myself then let anyone get hurt. And I'm the biggest coward, unable to do anything for anyone. The gods completely hate me. Why do I love everything that doesn't love me? It isn't fair. And I'm in love with you too. And you can't even be here. You can't come see me. You're scared too." Romano spoke to the ghost of Antonio as if it- he, were real.

"If you think you're the only one in love, you're dead wrong. And if you want to let go, I'll let you. And then I'll force you to fall in love with me all over again." Romano felt soft lips press against his own, and his limbs finally moved to draw it closer, and closer- the need felt in every part of his body. He fought the irrepressible urge to melt into this thing, whether it was the devil, or Antonio- an angel himself- in his arms after so long.

It was too real, the shadow, the ghost- this thing that's been in the room with him, maybe it wasn't just imagination? Was he too hopeful to want him to be tangible again, after so many years?

"God, Antonio, this whole time, you've been-"

"Why do you run?" He broke Romano's reverie, to show him how much he's breaking. Antonio was just as shattered as Romano.

"I don't anymore. I don't want to. I did- but you left me first, Antonio- you can kiss me all you want, all I want, but it fucking hurts because you left first. I don't care if you're in poverty, in shambles, I still love you and you can't do that you fucking bastard! You can't, not to someone like me-" Romano had always been an emotionally stifled creature, and yet he was the first to need attention and love. Even if it wasn't apparent to everyone else. Antonio knew, he knew every part of Romano- so how could he do that, still?

"I know why I did. You're too good for me. I'm a dying country." His lopsided smile made his heart forget it's own pace, his mind and his soul want to just forget, erase the pain- and deepen the space between their lips.

"So die with me."

Romano's eyes, half-mast, held a startling new part of Romano that Antonio wished to keep forever. And yet he wanted to push it away- so different from the Romano he knew. He fell into his kisses, deeper, farther, faster, uncaring of everything and everything.

They were dieing. Romano, his limbs unable to move, his thoughts the only breathing part of his body, his blood the only visible part of him to the others. Romano didn't register with anyone but him, only him. What was it, his head or his heart, that was falling faster? Either way, it belonged to Antonio, long before either of them knew.

Antonio was fading, faster than he thought, long gone and reliquishing his power as a country, as a nation- as Spain. He would be Antonio- once a nation- and then they'd be corpses.

Except he didn't know if they'd live or die, ailments confusing, unknown- so inhuman. They felt so alone, and they were falling into each other, the aspect of death just a drop in an ocean of fear.

Antonio felt like his heart would burst, and he buried Romano into his chest, giving him a place to hide. No, he wouldn't let go. The unyielding pulse of his heart would never beat any slower, any faster- nothing would burn and hurt and _grace_ his life like this moment. The falling stars in his eyes were breaking him far down, too far to reach and understand- and he doesn't begin to think as he presses his lips against Romano's again- the sky all colors of melted crayons, the clouds a tarnished and dull fragment of the vast sky that was gleaming from above.

Their hands intertwined and their hearts embraced, Antonio almost scared to let go and see what was left of Romano- except a heart and whispers of cold breath, running fast. He felt blood in his mouth, the taste so different from the sweet Romano he had in his arms- and he felt no emotion when Romano smiled weakly, the blood on his lips too.

No, they weren't going to die. The night settled in, each minute a passing time bomb with the two, as they don't know how to handle _this-_ their love was immaculate, enough to purify their anguish, enough to simplify this pain, enough to- yes, enough to make them stop clinging to life, and begin living it. The stars weaved through each other, a beautiful stellar dance surrounding the moon, the one that stared into them, consuming their vision, before they set their eyes back on each other.

Antonio dedicated all his breath to see that Romano would evolve and bloom. No, they wouldn't die.

Yes, the sun denied him, Romano would think- but tonight, it was right there. He'd let his hands fall onto Antonio's chest.

"No." Antonio whispered, his lips mere inches from Romano's. The bitter ends of his body- their bodies- told them yes. His eyes locked on Romano's, and the brown pools would hold infinities. No, Romano didn't believe in love- but he couldn't stop his wishful thinking, stop his incessant trembling- and he'd want to kiss him again and again, because he was so happy he could die.

Antonio pressed his lips on Romano's. His lips were cold.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: oh, interpret the ending however you may. i'm not promising anything, so it's up to you! i'm sorry it was a bit wordy, but hopefully someone read through it! i think it was a bit sloppy and vague. oh well, just spamano practice. i liked it though. thank you, and let me know what you think! (if anyone reads this!) D:

if there are any mistakes/inconsistencies/etc, let me know!


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